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New Tribunal Leadership After Entire Tribunal Staff Flunks Out

The Imperial Tribunal is under new leadership after the entire editorial team failed out of The King’s College, the paper announced Thursday afternoon. While the editors were not known for their academic performance to begin with, they had hoped to…

  • Timothy Timberwakenater
  • January 21, 2021
  • CampusLatest News

Dr. Pincin To Give Thanksgiving Day Exam On “Opportunity Costs”

Dr. Pincin announced that he would carry out his plan to administer an exam on “opportunity costs” in each of his classes on Thanksgiving day from noon to three that afternoon. Despite the overwhelming protests from his students, Dr. Pincin…

  • Timothy Timberwakenater
  • November 25, 2020
  • CampusLatest News

Pharos Compromised Because Swedick Left His Password As “Kings2019!”

A catastrophic cyber attack hit The King’s College on Friday afternoon. The attacker was able to access student data stored on the Pharos “Student Conduct Platform” that the Student Development department uses to track their student’s virtue. The TKC Administration…

  • Phicleman Claperknock
  • November 25, 2020
  • CampusLatest News

After Tuesday’s Faculty Meeting, Professors Now Know What It’s Like To Be Treated Like Children

The TKC faculty held a contentious meeting on Tuesday in which they attempted to get clarity about their future at the institution from their overlords. The Administration is currently refusing to guarantee faculty contracts after the 2021-22 school year. Though…

  • Dorothy Butterbinger
  • November 25, 2020
  • CampusLatest News

Interregnum Committee Announces New “Ironman” 72-hour Film Competition, Includes Swim

The Interregnum Committee released the guidelines for its new “Ironman” film competition, which was received by the student body with notable controversy. Students unanimously detested the last two iterations of overnight film competitions so the Committee decided to double down…

  • Timothy Timberwakenater
  • November 9, 2020
  • CampusLatest News

Rapture During Faculty Meeting Takes Only Dr. Williams

During a faculty meeting Monday morning, the Rapture occurred. New York City as a whole did not notice much of a change, but millions of Christians across the world were lifted into the heavens to reunite with their Creator. The…

  • Phicleman Claperknock
  • November 9, 2020
  • CampusLatest News

Interregnum Pre-credit Screening of “27 Dresses” Successful

Interregnum Committee Chair, Micah Long, was happy to announce that the pre-credit screening of “27 Dresses” was successful. Interregnum pre-credit is a way for students to avoid spending their Saturday watching the smart people in their house have fun. Thankfully,…

  • Dorothy Butterbinger
  • November 9, 2020
  • CampusLatest News

US Presidential Election Ends In Tie; Johannes Schiffner Announces Polls Will Reopen For A Day

In a surprisingly competitive race for the President of the United States, President Donald Trump and Former Vice President Joe Biden have effectively tied. Thankfully, the Constitution of the United States gives clear instructions for this unlikely case, saying in…

  • Timothy Timberwakenater
  • November 4, 2020
  • CampusLatest News

New Career Development Survey: 100% Of Graduates Are Employed, Looking For A Job, Or Having An Existential Crisis

Career Development was happy to announce that they had found a category that 100% of recent graduates fit into after some alumni were confused to see the statistic that “98% of students had their hopes and dreams fulfilled within 6…

  • Timothy Timberwakenater
  • November 3, 2020
  • CampusLatest News

Dr. Talcott Leads Panel Concerning The Literacy “Disease” Among Women

Dr. Talcott hosted a panel in the City Room on Thursday on the topic of what he argued was a literacy “epidemic” among women, by which he meant that there are way too many women who can read in the…

  • Phicleman Claperknock
  • November 3, 2020
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Unlike past “satires,” we do not intend to hurt anyone. If you believe we have been truly offensive, please state your case via email ([email protected]) We will take your case seriously.

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