Opinion: Until The EST Agrees To Publish Articles In Braille, They’re Disgusting
Opinion: Dear Dr. Campbell, Thank You
We too, if we are being honest, kind of like “cancel culture.” We remember when authority figures in our time would get away with unspeakable injustices, yet no one (besides us) would speak against them. Thankfully, today’s authority figures must…
Dr. Mueller Makes Exception For Masks Made In Sweatshops
After taking a stand against mask-wearing in front of a class this week, Dr. Mueller clarified that he would allow for masks made in sweatshops because of the moral good they provide society. Dr. Mueller, who has long decried the…
Paul Glader Furiously Disembowels Strawman In Front Of Journalism Class Today
A scene of confusion erupted today on campus after Paul Glader was apparently caught teaching his class of aspiring journalists how to disembowel a strawman. Students reported that the moment an actual argument came before the class, Glader went into…
Calvinist King’s Student Replaces Human Fiance With Mannequin Who Chants “I Love You” On Command
Mary-Louis Jenkins, a junior English major from rural Pennsylvania, was worried that she would never find a husband and would die an old maid. Her fiance was confused by this, however, and was distraught to find a mannequin in her…
Student Tolerance Delegate Claims To Hate Dr. Mueller, “Tolerance Only Applies To People Like Me”
In the week following Dr. Paul Mueller’s stand against the mask protocols at The King’s College, many students have taken to the place of free discourse at the school, Twitter, to complain viciously about the man. One student leading the…
Finance Major Horrified To Find Bible Cares So Much About The Poor
Brock Dickman, a senior Finance Major from the suburbs, made a stir within his department on Thursday after making the claim that Jesus cared about the poor, leaving him unsure of his faith more than ever before. Brock agreed to…
Dr. Hershey’s Shirt Tears to Briefly Reveal Superman Suit
Early Tuesday morning, it was reported that a student was heading to class at the King’s campus when she dropped her books. Dr. Joshua Hershey bent over to help her pick them up off the floor. As he did so,…
Student Leader Fritz Scibbe Rolls Eyeballs Clean Out Of His Head In Disgust
In a tragic accident Monday afternoon, Fritz Scibbe, last year’s president of the House of Ronald Reagan and a respected student leader lost both his eyes in what doctors believe to be a classic case of the French condition known…
College Institutes New Measures To Prevent The Spread Of COVID-19 (Out Of An Abundance Of Caution)
In response to a surge in New York City COVID-19 cases, The King’s College instituted new policies and procedures in order to stop the spread of Covid-19. Early Monday morning, The Administration issued the following introduction to their new guidelines:…