US Presidential Election Ends In Tie; Johannes Schiffner Announces Polls Will Reopen For A Day

In a surprisingly competitive race for the President of the United States, President Donald Trump and Former Vice President Joe Biden have effectively tied. Thankfully, the Constitution of the United States gives clear instructions for this unlikely case, saying in Article II, Section I, “the House of Representatives shall immediately chuse by Ballot one of them for President.” Many were thankful that the Constitution’s framers had foreseen this possibility with such foresight and clarity.

Paper ballots will soon be replaced, Mr. Schiffner says. They are too difficult to forge.

While many experts and members of the House thought this could not get any clearer, Johannes Schiffner of the Federal Election Commission, an appointed official who oversees democratic elections, disagreed: “Hold on there children. How do you know what ‘immediately’ means? I decided that ‘immediately’ means ‘immediately opening the polls for one or two more rounds of voting for people who couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed the first time.’ The candidates now have time to go dredging for the lowest reaches of society in the hopes that a tiny sliver of the populace can decide the election better than their representatives.”

Mattie Footbreaker, a member of the House was characteristically furious, “I am sick and tired of the Federal Election Commission treating the House like the kids we are. We are the same age as everyone out in the real world but we are way more qualified to make their decisions for them. Besides, I will always look after my friends, no matter what the stupid common people say.”

After Joe Biden heard this, he was apparently seen driving around Scranton begging people to go vote for him. Meanwhile, the House of Representatives passed a unanimous resolution slamming Mr. Schiffner for his factually wrong interpretation of the Constitution. Unfortunately, the Supreme Court was away fundraising and could not keep their boy in check.