Career Development was happy to announce that they had found a category that 100% of recent graduates fit into after some alumni were confused to see the statistic that “98% of students had their hopes and dreams fulfilled within 6 hours of graduation and the other 2% were English majors,” only to find themselves begging for their job back at Starbucks.

Matt Perman, the Director of Career Development, was happy to announce that his team had come up with a new statistic that marketing could slap on every possible pamphlet and advertisement: “Some would consider it to be lying to say that all of our graduates are making the money we promised them upon graduation, but we need that 100% number somehow. We put our best minds together and came up with a new category that includes 100% of people: employed, looking for a job, or having an existential crisis. We were so excited that the entire department is taking two weeks off to celebrate and not our normal monthly two-week vacation.”

Some students, mostly in the Business and Finance departments, did not mind the change. Josiah Jefferson, a senior in the Finance department has this to say about the announcement: “Honestly, I couldn’t care less. I worked really hard to secure my six-figure job out of college, and these MCA kids are all crying wondering why taking four years of culture classes is hurting their chances at a decent job. All my dad had to do was make a single phone call and I was in. Quit crying.”