New Career Development Survey: 100% Of Graduates Are Employed, Looking For A Job, Or Having An Existential Crisis

Career Development was happy to announce that they had found a category that 100% of recent graduates fit into after some alumni were confused to see the statistic that “98% of students had their hopes and dreams fulfilled within 6 hours of graduation and the other 2% were English majors,” only to find themselves begging for their job back at Starbucks.

An example of a TKC Alumnus fulfilling his dreams.

Matt Perman, the Director of Career Development, was happy to announce that his team had come up with a new statistic that marketing could slap on every possible pamphlet and advertisement: “Some would consider it to be lying to say that all of our graduates are making the money we promised them upon graduation, but we need that 100% number somehow. We put our best minds together and came up with a new category that includes 100% of people: employed, looking for a job, or having an existential crisis. We were so excited that the entire department is taking two weeks off to celebrate and not our normal monthly two-week vacation.”

The Career Development email already has their vacation responder set.

Some students, mostly in the Business and Finance departments, did not mind the change. Josiah Jefferson, a senior in the Finance department has this to say about the announcement: “Honestly, I couldn’t care less. I worked really hard to secure my six-figure job out of college, and these MCA kids are all crying wondering why taking four years of culture classes is hurting their chances at a decent job. All my dad had to do was make a single phone call and I was in. Quit crying.”