Dr. Pincin announced that he would carry out his plan to administer an exam on “opportunity costs” in each of his classes on Thanksgiving day from noon to three that afternoon. Despite the overwhelming protests from his students, Dr. Pincin…
The Interregnum Committee released the guidelines for its new “Ironman” film competition, which was received by the student body with notable controversy. Students unanimously detested the last two iterations of overnight film competitions so the Committee decided to double down…
In a surprisingly competitive race for the President of the United States, President Donald Trump and Former Vice President Joe Biden have effectively tied. Thankfully, the Constitution of the United States gives clear instructions for this unlikely case, saying in…
Career Development was happy to announce that they had found a category that 100% of recent graduates fit into after some alumni were confused to see the statistic that “98% of students had their hopes and dreams fulfilled within 6…
After a weekend of Tweeting that boys should be touched more often by their fathers, Dr. Bradley announced that he will begin kissing every male student on their forehead to compensate for this lifelong lack of touching by older men.…
The TKC Business Department announced Friday morning that they would begin offering a class on the intricacies of applying for welfare benefits in the United States. This move was praised by the students in the department who have already had…
Jethro Dubblebubble, a freshman from the House of Lewis, found himself in the spotlight Monday after he asked his crush out from underneath a manhole cover on Exchange Place. Jessica Mit, a fellow freshman from Barton, had the pleasure of…
Student Development took the unprecedented step Friday morning of announcing a $15,000 “bounty” on the heads of anyone connected to The Imperial Tribunal paper. Nick Swedick offered up some details about the department’s reasoning for the decision: “For years, the…
Weeks of anticipation and political discourse came to a close today when Dean Leedy announced to the student body a new formalized “caste system.” Not only will students be pre-sorted into houses, but within the first weeks of arrival, Student…
Tillary Cockerham, a senior RTS major, made waves on campus Wednesday by demanding a man she met a half-hour before on the “dating” app Tinder put on his mask before they became intimate. “A condom is a choice; a mask…
