After a weekend of Tweeting that boys should be touched more often by their fathers, Dr. Bradley announced that he will begin kissing every male student on their forehead to compensate for this lifelong lack of touching by older men.
In a short statement released via Twitter, Dr. Bradley hoped to overcome the potential backlash from his “Touch Your Boys” campaign. “Boys need to be touched, from the very beginning. Girls get touched all the time, but boys really need some help right now. If you’ve been able to follow my argument on Twitter, you should know that football and boy touching are the only thing that can save America now.”
Jeremiah Digboogleson, a freshman in the House of Churchill, was excited about the announcement, “I went my entire life without being touched by anyone. I am so glad that I am in C&S. Dr. Bradley always teaches us whatever is on his mind and his Twitter feed, and that is so much more fun than actually learning.”
Reports from the 3:00 p.m. section of Christianity & Society confirm Jeremiah’s experience. One male student immediately got up and started working out for the first time. Another asked the girl next to him out (he was immediately rejected). The entire House of C.S. Lewis was especially impacted, as the gray pallor of their skin changed into a golden hue. After class, a long line could be seen weaving throughout the faculty wing waiting for their kiss. Some reported Dr. Mueller returning on campus, masked, to receive a kiss.