This was a guest submission from Mellany Mingtingler. Thank you Mellany for sending in this breaking news. If you have a breaking new story you would like to have published (it has to be good and will be ruthlessly edited…
This year’s SBP candidates were announced today via email from the current student body president, Brock Butterball. The candidates took it upon themselves to hold a press conference in the City Room to get the race off to a good…
In the fourth cost cutting measure this week, The King’s College housing department of one person announced that the school will officially move all of its housing into Facebook’s developing Metaverse. Unfortunately for students, however, rent will continue to increase,…
As tuition amongst American college programs focused on math and science continues to rise faster than inflation, The King’s College has cut its tuition in nearly in half and eliminated all meaningful scholarships in a move it says “demonstrates the…
At a recent King’s event hosted in the City Room, Dr. Talcott had the audacity to invite a group of filmmakers who had a barely controversial opinion: doctors should not encourage prepubescent children with woefully undeveloped brains, emotions, and relationships…
The storied White Horse bar on Bridge Street has long been a haven for all but the most boring freshmen. Rural homeschoolers are often amazed at the ease with which someone who often mistakes himself for a twelve year old…
In an unprecedented technological disaster, servers across the Eastern United States crashed, bringing down highly trafficked corporate websites such as Google, Facebook, and Primacorp. This disaster was reportedly caused by the record breaking amount of unread voicemails on Tammy Lopez’s…
Jessica Bearsnatcher is a student admissions counselor who came to work on Tuesday afternoon to find the lobby had been remodeled since she had left work at 11:45 PM Thursday night to head to Fall Retreat. Instead of the inviting…
Jake Touchbottom was surprised to find a new restaurant open in the fishbowl on Wednesday. But when he moved in close enough to look at the menu, he was accosted from behind. “VACCINE CARD PLEASE,” Brent Buterbaugh yelled through a…
The King’s College announced that it was partnering with Primacorp, a Canadian company that offers “a multicultural seniors community, commercial real estate properties, and other businesses across North America.” TKC said this “strategic” hostile takeover was necessary to keep the…
