Another Set of SBP Candidates Swear They’ve Changed

This year’s SBP candidates were announced today via email from the current student body president, Brock Butterball. The candidates took it upon themselves to hold a press conference in the City Room to get the race off to a good start.

The very spot Chad decided he was best for the school.

Chad Bowman began the event by dismissing claims of his rampant alcoholism and early abandonment of his house. “I was sitting at White Horse two days ago and, after 6 specials, I decided I am what’s best for the school, no question. I knew no other guys were going to run this year, so it was basically mine for the taking,” Chad said. “My friends dragged me to student services in a drunken stupor, and there we all signed the SBP petition form as we cheered with shouts of ‘Hoorah’ our way back down to The Horse for another round.”

Nancy Sloth wanted to start off by addressing questions about her recent improvement in mood and kindness towards other students. “Now you may think the reason that I was super mean to you a week ago was because I don’t like you or I am a terrible person, but I act like I like you now, and that is what matters. Actions speak louder than words,” she said.

“This is the best group of candidates I’ve ever seen at this college” said Dean Leedy, “It’s a longstanding tradition at King’s college to dismiss such considerations as long as the candidates smile convincingly or are hot. We’re going on ten years now where we’ve picked… I mean elected… the most qualified candidate, and I am proud of my meticulous involvement in making sure they’re elected in the fairest method of picking possible.”

Davy Windchill has a lot of ground to cover, according to analysts, because she has no major character flaws or past indiscretions to overcome. She is just competent and reliable, and that is a disadvantage if the past few elections are any indication.