Primacorp Announces “Friendly” Hostile Takeover of The King’s College

The King’s College announced that it was partnering with Primacorp, a Canadian company that offers “a multicultural seniors community, commercial real estate properties, and other businesses across North America.” TKC said this “strategic” hostile takeover was necessary to keep the lights on and continue to provide a world-class liberal arts education that so many people so clearly want. The takeover came as Primacorp announced a new line of pesticides and is apparently searching for affordable test subjects, according to people familiar with the matter. Primacorp has a long history of taking over highly successful colleges, including Trump University, PACE, and Grand Canyon University. Primacorp’s slogan is “Orwellian may not be our name, but it is our game and [sic] education is good.”

As a part of this change, the Admissions, Marketing, Finance, Journalism and Fundraising departments will be absorbed by the Primacorp sales team. They will now be operating out of Wichita, Kansas under the new partnership. The corporation is also exploring a program to replace student workers with a new series of repurposed farming robots. They will be programmed to smile, wave, and list off statistics more efficiently than starving students.

The EST also announced that it was now a part of the Primacorp PR department, explaining why the company has seemingly taken over the EST website and published this press release about the overwhelmingly positive nature of the merger. 

Students, who were generally concerned about the college’s future before the merger, are generally pleased with the new direction. Tom Buttkinger, a rising sophomore in the House of C.S. Lewis expressed support for the takeover, “I am really pleased. I was getting worried that the mission of the college was starting to drift away from its roots in Christian liberal arts education, so I think that this secular corporation in another country will have a much better handle on what students will do better here.”

When reached for comment about the company’s profit goals, the new company spokesperson, announced that once complimentary services like elevators, water fountains, internet access, front row seats in classrooms, and anything from student services can now be had for a “small fee.”