Primacorp Replaces Admissions Student Workers with Self-Checkout Machines

Jessica Bearsnatcher is a student admissions counselor who came to work on Tuesday afternoon to find the lobby had been remodeled since she had left work at 11:45 PM Thursday night to head to Fall Retreat. Instead of the inviting image of a half dozen offices with their blinds down and “do not disturb” signs plastered over their doors, she found the entire row of workspaces had been removed and replaced with fancy “self-admission machines.”

These machines are part of a new effort by Primacorp (priːmə – kôrp) to remove all human contact in the new admissions and marketing process, lowering pesky inefficiency and raising profit margins for the “non-profit” college, instead relying on as much automation and repurposed farming robots as possible. Staff who are particularly robotic were allowed to stay, as well, so Professor Brian Brenberg was able to keep his job as it relates to admissions.

Paul Glader, the newly appointed Primacorp PR editor-grandmaster-in-chief

The head of Primacorp PR and the faculty advisor and editor-grandmaster-in-chief of the Empire State Tribune offered the following comment regarding Primacorp’s move towards a less “calorie dependent” workforce: “We are really excited to… uh… repurpose some of our student workers to less expensive posts. This was really about our heartfelt desire to squeeze as much as possible out of this college for our bottom line and to further the mission of… uh what college is this again… The King’s College… right. And if it weren’t for you meddling kids, President Gibson would have come to my birthday party!” Luckily Grandmaster Glader’s message was delivered via phone rather than email so it was understandable.

An internal study conducted in Southern Canada by the school’s owner concluded that while students still cost minimum wage despite doing the work of three or four full-time staff members, the repurposed farming robots could do the job for only $9 an hour with no lunch breaks or weekends.

The company is also exploring other uses for the robots, including caring for the elderly at their many nursing homes or creating more riveting movie reviews for the struggling Empire State Tribune.