Tammy Lopez’s 1.2 Million Unread Voicemails Crash Servers Across Eastern US

In an unprecedented technological disaster, servers across the Eastern United States crashed, bringing down highly trafficked corporate websites such as Google, Facebook, and Primacorp. This disaster was reportedly caused by the record breaking amount of unread voicemails on Tammy Lopez’s voicemail, The King’s College bumsar, over 1.2 million. 

These voicemails were stored by Google as part of a special deal to use student’s Google Drive storage to store their own unanswered voicemails, according to people familiar with the matter. As the average unread voicemail count per student approached 12,000, Google was forced to cut off the storage or risk the stability of the entire world’s server infrastructure, according to a Google spokeswoman. The college pursued a deal with the NSA to use their copy of the wiretaps captured during the IRS’s investigation into the college’s non-profit status now that they have sold out to a for-profit Canadian nursing home company.

President Gibson responded to the crisis with the following comment: “we were unable to wake our CFO, Franklin Tostino, Ms. Lopez’s supervisor, from his daily nap, so we thought to ourselves ‘what would Frank do?’ and that is when we knew what to do in order to satisfy every interested party, especially Primacorp: issue a late fee to anyone who has desperately tried to pay their bill but had their voicemails go unanswered and been driven to madness by our state-of-the-art 1989 billing platform.”

Students were generally satisfied with the compromise fees, but some students were still unsatisfied with service many described as “:(“. Jumba Fowltrimmer, a sophomore in the House of QE1, described a recent creative tactic in order to get her bill paid: “It got so bad, they were counting my scholarships as fees and charging me a daily late fee for not paying my scholarships. I decided to camp outside the business office just to make human contact with someone back there. After 3 months of continuous camping, I have yet to see anyone or anything move, besides a busted water main and a lot of rats.”