Vaccination Rate Among Freshman Skyrockets as White Horse Begins Enforcing COVID Vaccine Mandate

The storied White Horse bar on Bridge Street has long been a haven for all but the most boring freshmen. Rural homeschoolers are often amazed at the ease with which someone who often mistakes himself for a twelve year old can receive copious amounts of alcohol for only $5. These are the same students vigorously fighting the pressure to get vaccinated, at least until now.

SBP Brent Buterbaugh leading the “Get Vaccinated Or Get Sober Campaign” by drinking an overrated beer at White Horse.

Joshua Badtale, a principled 17 year old freshman in the House of Lewis and Brent Buterbaugh’s little, was shocked to be turned away from White Horse for the first time in 45 days straight since he got to King’s. “Honestly, I couldn’t believe it,” Joshua said. “All I want to do is go to White Horse with my fellow freshmen, do homework, discuss theology, and drink my crippling depression and self-doubt away with the house special. Is that too much to ask?” Forced to choose between drinking and control over his body, he went with drinking, and so did his friends.

Vaccination rates among underage students have skyrocketed in less than 24 hours since White Horse started enforcing the mandate. Most freshman-level 9 AM classes were vacated by students seeking inoculation, and nearby vaccination sites were quickly overwhelmed. While a few have yet to give in to the overwhelming pressure to conform, their already fragile social lives have been shattered. Jerm Salmonwrangler, a lonely junior who gave up on an unvaccinated social life months ago and counted White Horse as his true home, said that he has just abandoned human contact all together, “now that my last refuge has rejected me, I just stand outside the bar and peer through the windows, hoping to find another like me, alcoholic and unvaccinated.”