Over the last several days, it has come to the attention of The Imperial Tribunal Editorial Board that we—a wholly satirical publication—have committed the grave sin of factual inaccuracy in many of our pieces. Astute purveyors of “official,” fact-based journalism have accused us of making up facts, quotes, and even entire stories. So, we would like to take the time now to correct our past errors, and recommit ourselves to our mission of literal, fact-based, news reporting of entirely fictional events.
- In September 2020, we claimed that Dr. Hershey’s shirt tore and revealed a Superman suit underneath. However, after interviewing one of his gym buddies, we learned that the giant red “S” on his chest is actually a tattoo, and it stands for “Science.”
- In October 2020, we reported that the Chamberlains of the Houses of ten Boom and Bonhoeffer were married in a “political alliance.” We neglected, however, to include a comment from the freshmen of ten Boom that the marriage was additionally an expression of “pure thirst.”
- Later in that same month, we reported that President Gibson and the entire SBP Cabinet were caught aboard a sinking boat on the way to Governor’s Island. Surprisingly, this story was entirely fabricated by a guest writer named Caddie Hoffman, who for some unknown reason had a personal vendetta against Student Body President Colin Phillips.
- We also had a story about Dr. Bradley kissing male students on the forehead before class. This is entirely true. However, we neglected to include the follow-up story that the Refuge Executive Team voted unanimously to change the one line of popular contemporary worship song “How He Loves” from the lyric “sloppy wet kiss” to “professor’s forehead kiss.”
- In November 2020, we reported that Dr. Williams was raptured. It turns out, however, that he was actually an angel in disguise the whole time, and has graciously returned to campus to save the JCS major from a painful lack of rational thinking.
- In the title of this article we claimed to have corrected “hundreds of factual errors” but, in reality, we had a quota to hit and only corrected seven, including this one.
- Late last month, in our piece on the Empire State Tribune, we made two errors. First, we spelled Professor Glader’s name with two d’s instead of one. Second, it has come to our attention that our portrayal of his comment to our article was less than favorable. We realize now that it is not our place to put him in a bad light. He’s perfectly capable of making a mockery of himself.
If, by some chance, you find another mistake worthy of correction, write it on a piece of paper and place it gently on the nearest stack of EST Weeklys for collection by Student Services.