Head of Refuge Under Investigation For Taking Latin, Other Suspected “Traditional” Behaviors

The Head of Refuge, Mary-Ann Guthrie, came under fire Monday morning for what some consider to be overly “traditional” sympathies. Mary-Ann is under investigation primarily for taking Latin and asking her organization to recite the Nicene Creed after worship. After a detailed investigation, Refuge’s watchdog office discovered that she also led a group in a song written before 2005 and hired a drummer named “Francis” despite otherwise qualified alternatives.

The head of the watchdog organization, who also leads the investigation, said they found major holes in Ms. Guthrie’s story, “She could not point us anywhere in the Bible where it says that somebody should learn Latin. There is another “church” [air quotes] that likes Latin way too much. We read our Bibles in English; the way God intended. Furthermore, worship is about the audience, and old songs that our parents or their parents may have liked simply don’t make our audience feel the way that Chris Hillsong does.”

Refuge’s official Bible translation, “The Message”

One student, who wished to remain unnamed, gave us his or her account about what transpired, “We were just singing. All the good people had their hands up as high as they could reach. When we finished our first twelve-minute song, Mary-Ann, who I really liked before, asked us to recite the Nicene Creed. It was cool, at first, because I had never heard it, and I agreed with basically everything until we got the ‘holy catholic church’ bit and people started vomiting all over the floor. People were crying; it was terrible. I am already preparing my testimony about it. I got really incensed… Oh no, did I just say that… Oh God! [Violently mobbed by nearby worshipers]”