Young, Naive Man Hopes To Be First To Break Glass Ceiling at EST

The Empire State Tribune, an “independent” student newspaper for The King’s College, has long been considered the gold standard of journalism on the TKC campus. At the head of it all is the EST Editor-In-Chief who runs the paper’s day-to-day operations and sets the long-term goals for the operation. Every year, the current editor-in-chief, Paul Glader, and Clemente Lisi (who asked not to be associated with this story in any way) gather in an oversized conference room to hire the next year’s leader from a collection of the current editor’s friends. For the last 12 years, that leader has been a woman, despite dozens of qualified men who have applied, according to records reviewed by The Tribunal.

The job description for the new editor-in-chief calls for someone “willing to break down walls” and “wholly abandon a Christian worldview” in their guidance for the paper. According to people familiar with the matter, the paper hopes to expand its serious coverage of Satan worship, wine reviews (conducted by underage students), arguments to discard millennia old Christian doctrines, and pointing out the paleness of vitamin-D starved vampires in Washington State.

The Empire State Tribune is an “independent” student newspaper on The King’s College campus.

There is one young man who hopes to be the first to break the seemingly impenetrable gender-based glass ceiling at the EST. Jeremiah Ticabauhm, a happily married 27 year-old man, is confident that he stands a chance if he is judged by the merits of his resume alone: “I am hopeful about my prospects. After serving as an intern at the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, the AP and sharing two Pulitzer Prizes for unraveling international corruption, I am hoping that my experience writing stories about things that actually matter to anyone will give me a good shot at running this paper.”

Many students wonder why the EST does not make their selection process more democratic considering they do receive a large sum of funding from the student body’s tuition, despite calling themselves “independent.” The EST, which was the sole source of truth on campus for over a decade, is now coming under fire for being what some consider to be an “oppressive matriarchy.” Others consider this a fair balance to the blatantly patriarchal student body president succession during the same time period, though those men were fairly elected. Still, some men like Mr. Ticabauhm hope to attain the highest and most prestigious office at King’s.

The other candidate, Jessica Doomwittiker, also expressed hope that the EST would continue its past hiring patterns into the future: “I have been working at the EST since my first day freshman year. I have taken all my journalism classes with Paul Gladder, so I know to write real good. Besides, I love the city. I love the occult. I love wine, brunch, and other important aspects of life on campus. I read Vox every single day. I am roommates with Meg Capone. I am a perfect fit for this job.”

Paul Gladder pictured at the last EST editorial meeting he attended in 2016.

Paul Glader, who was asked for a comment about this story in mid-September, responded Thursday morning with the following comment via email: “Imer good journeller. put damm mask on or I kill entire family. I like ets and editors who not ask questions. Good editors haRd to gett.” Mr. Glader also live-tweeted a conversation with a reporter seeking clarification about the above statement despite begging The Tribunal to keep the discussion “off the record.”

The EST plans to announce the new editor-in-chief award as part of its $4000 “Brunch and Such” event scheduled for the first weekend in May. Mr. Ticabaum and Ms. Doomwittiker remain hopeful of their chances.