An unnamed professor in the PPE department is under investigation for his allegedly brutal grading tactics, The King’s College said in a statement late Sunday. An unnamed Tribunal source working as an FA in the Politics, Philosophy, and Economics Department at The King’s College, claims the professor was caught grading a semester’s worth of assignments over a month into the summer break. This professor, however, is adamant that accepting late work from students would lead to a deterioration of the ideas he hopes to communicate. (At least the reporter thinks that is what he said, it was difficult to hear him through the mountain of upgraded papers on his desk. Some of which were dated 1999.)

Students often think they are doing well in the class, only to get an email in July stating that they failed the class and will have to retake it. Jonah Ringenbacher, a senior in the PPE Department, had hoped to turn his previously straight-A record into a position as valedictorian but a 23 in this politics class changed his plans. Jonah responded saying, “While I, for one, love nothing more than an oppressively difficult class, one that is essentially impossible to succeed at seems unfair.”

The professor, who recently started a small group for people seeking to get more work done during their day, responded by saying that “many people, over a dozen, have made an A in my class in the last decade.”

The professor, in response to the criticism, released the following statement: “I would like to begin by apologizing. I have not been an adequate professor. I am continually learning how to instill virtue in my students, but it appears that I have failed terribly as they all remain a bunch of babies. If they had read the book I assigned before each class, they would not have the time or energy to complain.”