Brent Buterbaugh, Once A Feared Cop On Campus, Now Brazenly Courts Fledgling Alcoholics

Candidate Brent Buterbaugh was once a notorious Chamberlain in the House of Lewis. Now he hopes his previous beat will see him in a new, cooler light. Mr. Buterbaugh has gone out of his way to recruit these drinkers to his base, an unprecedented move for a candidate for student body president. Language about the honor code has been replaced with images of Brent chugging beer, and his oldest supporters have been left scratching their heads.

Donald Smith, a sophomore in the House of Lewis, remembers the old days of Mr. Buterbaugh’s tenure: “I had only been on campus about 10 minutes before I caught Brent digging through my suitcase. All he said was that he was looking for ‘sin,’ but my mom finally ran him out of my room.”

Brent disapproving of you.

Others recall Mr. Buterbaugh roaming the hallways of Albee in the early hours of the morning, apparently searching for any deviant behavior. “I had a late flight coming back from home, so I rolled up to Albee at about 3 AM. I couldn’t tell if Brent knew I was coming or if he was just patrolling the 13th floor, because he was there staring at the elevator when I got there. After a brief conversation and a deep sniff of my breath, he finally let me go.”

Mr. Buterbaugh’s campaign responded with the following statement: “Brent loves beer and all forms of alcohol. He loves people who drink. He even loves people who smoke weed. He’s that cool. I promise.”

Leticia Mosqueda responded on behalf of the department of Student Development when they were reached for a comment: “We are proud of Brent’s past. Alcohol is really bad. If he has to enter the den to recruit the lions, then so be it. It’ll be good to have justice back in power again.”