Student Development took the unprecedented step Friday morning of announcing a $15,000 “bounty” on the heads of anyone connected to The Imperial Tribunal paper. Nick Swedick offered up some details about the department’s reasoning for the decision: “For years, the Administration had a paper that it could control down to the word in the Empire State Tribune, and we all know, the school will not tolerate an aspect of student life that it cannot control.”

When asked where the money was coming from, Student Development handed over what appeared to be a budget scratched on the back of a cocktail napkin. Swedick explained the document, “everyone is always wondering why we charge $8,000 a month for apartments that should only cost $3,000. Instead of letting that money go to gross mismanagement this month, we decided to put towards a better cause: the active persecution of our students. The EST was happy to contribute $10,000 of its well-used $50,000 monthly operating budget. Paul Gladder pitched in $500 of his own money. We are also accepting donations that are tax exempt.” Dr. Ben White was nearby to clarify that the donation could also be construed as a tithe.

In order to advance its investigation, Leticia Mosqueda has been tasked with reading through more student emails than usual, especially those containing the keywords, “joy,” “hope,” “fun,” or “justice.” She added, “every few years we get students who think they can buck our lovingly Orwellian control of their thoughts, but we always catch them.”

Swedick ended with the following message delivered while pointing into an imaginary camera, “I know you are out there and I will catch you. Nobody who is in power at this school should have to go to bed afraid that their mistakes will be noticed and made fun of. I will not rest until these vigilantes are brought to justice.”