Weeks of anticipation and political discourse came to a close today when Dean Leedy announced to the student body a new formalized “caste system.” Not only will students be pre-sorted into houses, but within the first weeks of arrival, Student Life will assign freshman membership in one of the castes: student leaders (otherwise known as the “Aristocracy”), faculty assistant, athletes, and untouchables.

“It’ll make our jobs a lot easier, which is the only way we make decisions in this department” said Jonathan Sheaffer, “we won’t have to adjust our opinions of people as they ‘grow and mature’ [use of air-quotes] through the years if we decide what they are the moment we meet them.” Elections in House leadership will now only be available for the “Aristocracy.”  

The Honor Code has also been amended to include the following line: “Students are honor bound to not make contact with anyone above their station. Doing so will be considered equivalent to underage drinking.” (Bold and the split infinitive are theirs.)

A major contributing factor into this decision is the ease with which Student Development will be able to narrow down who it selects to be Student Body President in the future, explained Sheaffer, “We just wanted to save everyone the constant heartache that comes with the hope of a candidate that does not fit our strict mold for student leadership. It isn’t fair that students take the time to campaign, vote, and debate issues just to have us pick the person we think is least likely to have original thoughts every year. Now we just have to huddle in a small room full of our decision makers and pick one of the Aristocracy. It’s better for everyone, especially me.”

Among other benefits, the upper-class students (members of the Aristocratic and faculty assistant castes) will now receive a 30% discount at all on-campus vending machines, as well as the executive team discount for on-campus housing. According to Sheaffer, this discount will be accounted for by a modest 20% housing increase for the untouchable class.