The Philosophy faculty of The King’s College was conducting their weekly departmental meeting when a messenger burst in shouting, “all that you hold dear has been cut from your life. Paul Glader has published an attempted logical argument. Do not desert the Lord your God despite your sorrow.” Accounts differ about what happened next, but a janitor walked in to find the entire staff with torn clothes and most of their hair in a bloody pile on the floor. Each of their reactions differed, but the Tribunal Editorial Board believes it is important they be recorded for posterity and their individual canonization proceedings.

After hearing the argument that Dr. Mueller was implicated by Hilldale’s alleged presidential adultery and murder, Dr. Talcott ripped the best beard in the PPE department from its blessed roots. It was not long before he began to consider his own responsibility for the unrelated actions of others. The last remnant of the dishonored Hillsdale name was purged from his office in quiet desperation. 

Dr. Blander yelled the F word slightly louder than usual, before resolving to defecate in a trash can before his entire class to prove that is way worse than taking off a mask. Sorrowful death metal music could be heard on every King’s Zoom call held that day.

All the while, Dr. Kreeft reviewed the ironclad logical syllogism that Dr. Mueller did something equivalent to murder while acting like a despotic monarch in the mold of a Catholic Diocese. As a result, he briefly denied knowledge itself, signed up for a Twitter account, and wrote “proud atheist” as his biography. Thankful the Archangel Gabriel personally arrived by his side and corrected his minor mistake in an otherwise stately life. 

Dr. Hershey looked to the heavens for divine assurance, but lo! The stars were silent and the earth’s last defender bowed his head, shedding a single tear. The light from his eyes shimmered as the power of the syllogism faded from his bulging muscles.

(This is a developing story, check back later for updates.)