Calvinist King’s Student Replaces Human Fiance With Mannequin Who Chants “I Love You” On Command

Mary-Louis Jenkins, a junior English major from rural Pennsylvania, was worried that she would never find a husband and would die an old maid. Her fiance was confused by this, however, and was distraught to find a mannequin in her bedroom who simply said “I love you,” “I really love you,” “I am so happy you choose to make me choose to love you” if Mary-Louis got close enough to trigger the motion detector. It even sang a song from time to time if you pressed a special button its back. When her fiance confronted her, she decided to break up with him on the spot.

When she spoke to the Tribunal later about her decision, she focused on the fact that free-will creates all kinds of problems in a relationship. “Let me ask you something,” she said, “would you rather have a man who chooses to love you, can take responsibility for his actions, and even have a personality or someone who is always where you left him, never does anything unexpected, and always loves me, even when I am being super annoying? The answer was pretty clear to me.”

Mary-Louis’s mannequin wondering about his own free-will. Spoiler: nothing he does matters.

Her friends were supportive of her decision, they said. “We are so happy for her. Any decision a friend makes is a good decision, and I am all for empowering my friends to get exactly what they want in the moment no matter the long-term consequences,” said her friend Andromeda. “I for one am proud of her. Who wants a relationship that allows for people to change their minds? Mary-Louise is the only one in my life who understands true love for what it really is: a one-way, brainwashed, relationship with a robot.”

Mary-Louise and her friends have even started a new party game where they get a group of robot mannequins together. The mannequins come with a switch on the back. Turn the switch on, and the mannequin is loving and faithful, but turn the switch off, however, and the robot has no choice but to hate its creator. “The game is most fun after a few drinks. We flip a coin for each mannequin. If its heads, we damn them to the fire for what they’ve done to us. If its tails, they get to live their lives out in peace with a new owner who loves them. Is that the best form of a relationship you can imagine?”

The mannequins often turn on each other because of their fate. The party-goers laugh at their sin, looking forward to watching them burn.