As tuition amongst American college programs focused on math and science continues to rise faster than inflation, The King’s College has cut its tuition in nearly in half and eliminated all meaningful scholarships in a move it says “demonstrates the unmatched value of a liberal arts education at The King’s College.” What the announcement failed to say was that essentially all scholarships are getting cut off at the knee.

When asked for comment at a recent press conference, President Gibson said, “Primarcorp has done such an outstanding job. All three of their deposited students appear to be excellent candidates. This decision has nothing to do with the absolutely catastrophic outlook of our recruiting class this year, instead, we are trying to drum up some interest in our school. Things could be better on the recruit… [audible zap coming from a suspicious collar around President Gibson’s neck]… Things could not be better. We love Primarcorp and all of the incredibly thought-out changes they’ve made to our school.”

Students had mixed opinions on the issue. Jessica Mouthwatcher, an MCA major, was torn, “On the one hand lower numbers are good for buying things. I know that, but also, scholarships are good when the number is bigger, and that is no longer how it is. Besides, I hadn’t talked to my mother in weeks and now she is calling me with all of these questions. I am tired of it!”