Sexual Tension Palpable As Candidates Give Final Speeches

As the three candidates gave their final campaign speeches on Monday afternoon, many in the audience felt sexual tension radiating from some of the candidates at the front of the room. Victoria Fisher’s speech was off to a rousing start before things began to head in an entirely unexpected direction.

“I was extremely uncomfortable,” said Umbra Heineken, a senior MCA major.  “It was like there was an understanding in the room that I wasn’t a part of. The way they were looking at each other… It was weird. The whole event was a really hard thing to listen to, really hard. Though I was appalled at first she started talking about the way that Brent’s words moved her, I kinda began enjoying it.”

Mr. Buterbaugh and Ms. Fisher reportedly had a series of “private” conversations over the course of the last week, according to people familiar with the matter. Others noticed a lingering handshake before the speeches began, along with dozens of glances exchanged throughout the event.

According to Logan Baganagger, the sexual tension was so thick he could feel it in the air. “Just as Victoria’s speech was coming to its climax, my palms began to sweat and I felt my stomach churning,” he said. “As soon as Victoria started sticking it to Brent, everyone in the crowd flinched, as if they shouldn’t be in the room for something so, uh, special.”

After concluding their speeches, Brent and Victoria reportedly retreated to sort out their differences in private.