A catastrophic cyber attack hit The King’s College on Friday afternoon. The attacker was able to access student data stored on the Pharos “Student Conduct Platform” that the Student Development department uses to track their student’s virtue. The TKC Administration encouraged students to despair because that system has an absurd amount of personal information stored in it about every student.

The attacker, who remains at large, was able to get into Nick Swedick’s account “on the first try,” according to a spokesperson from the IT Department. The same spokesperson defended the department’s policy of resetting any forgotten passphrase to the “Kings[year]!” formula, despite concerns that 75% of the TKC community has some variation of the same password.

When asked what data could have been compromised, Swedick pulled out a list that extended all the way to the floor. The data includes: browser history, honor infractions, Student Development’s opinions on the student, their guesses on how long it will take them to get kicked out, their guesses as to the student’s sexual preferences, along with their credit card information and dream diaries. 

Students were quick to request a new password from IT to find they were reset to “Kings2020!” which appears to have been the attacker’s plan all along.