The King’s College’s Committee for Student Safety and Control announced Monday that all students would now have to complete a “virtue screening” alongside their daily COVID screening before they would be allowed on any campus property. Staff and faculty were notably absent from the announcement.

The screening will ask questions about student’s drinking, smoking, sex, pride, and other habits that might interfere with their salvation. According to Dean Leedy, who chairs the committee, “We were just sitting there thinking, how can we make the children more virtuous? That’s when we went back to our basic formula: deep, complete, overarching control of our students’ lives is the best and only real way to change behavior for the better. Besides that, it is the best way that I have seen to actually make students want to change.”

While the change was met with overall grumbling in the student body, many were concerned about their privacy in these screenings, including a question about sexual activity that requires 300 words daily. Jessica Turbendimber, a junior in the House of SBA, is the president of the proposed student organization, SEX or Students Enjoying Xperimentation, was concerned about this question specifically, “I am totally okay if people want to share their sexual experiences on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook Live or any other method, but the idea of telling those old people on the 6th floor who and what I am doing it with is too much.”

Dean Leedy sought to calm the privacy concerns, “We plan on treating this sensitive information the same way we do all other sensitive information about students, but I have decided to even tighten the restrictions. From now on, members of Student Development will only be able to spread private information to only one student at a time, a decrease from the previous six.”