In a poll given to the four male houses at King’s — Churchill, Bonhoeffer, Reagan, and SBA — an overwhelming majority of male students would prefer to play hopscotch to Football at the Theological-Political Problem. This survey was conducted by the Director of Admissions as a result of the nosediving admissions numbers. “Until recently, a non-negotiable for the admittance of a male student at King’s was that they be entirely devoid of any natural athletic ability. In admissions, ‘Weak bodies, strong minds, stronger politics’ was our unwritten motto before it was rebranded ‘good, brave, ready’ as that was deemed more marketable and catchy by the Office of the President. According to our survey, 96.3% of males at King’s would choose to replace football with hopscotch as their athletic event of choice.”

Junior Bob McDonald had this to say: “As a sport, football is an entirely foreign concept. In my homeschool co-op, the highlight of our athletic season was the National Debate Championship We would simultaneously yell and write out as many Founding Fathers as we could muster in 3 minutes. That took a lot of coordination.” 

An unnamed English major suggested that the hopscotch festivities “be accompanied by a continuous reel of cicadas chirping over the speakers at a low volume to help diffuse any rising emotions of a competitive nature.” 

Not only does hopscotch require almost no strategy, but the athletic threshold to play is so low that it appears perfectly suited to the physical capability of the men at King’s. 

Katherine Dickerson, a junior from SBA was looking forward to playing football at the event. “Knowing our powderpuff team is far superior on the field, the House of Lewis had arranged for us to play on their behalf. They didn’t even have to give us anything for it – the moral superiority we felt as a team was reward enough. Now I feel cheated.” 

One Churchill senior noted that with the removal of the basketball tournament and the dodgeball tournaments of Fall Retreat a bygone memory, football is the only remaining athletic event on campus. The senior in question was called back to the staff cubicles on the 6th floor. He has not been seen since.