First Unattractive Man Hired To Work The Greenwich Desk, Immediately Fired After Backlash

Jeremy Bentham, a Sophomore in the House of Churchill, made history Thursday as the first unattractive man hired to work the Greenwich desk. Defenders of “unattractive rights” immediately praised the action by the school, but were dismayed to hear that the same man was fired only 30 minutes later as a result of the backlash from the women who live in the building.

When asked about her decision, Megan Lassiter, defended the move, “the women of Devos Hall (we’re still trying to get people to call it that) have a right to come home every night to the face of an attractive European man. There is nothing more settling than a chiseled jawline for a young lady who just had a bad day at school. As for the guy, some of us face challenges just because of the way we are born. I’m a woman; he’s ugly. You’ve just got to deal with it.”

The women of Greenich gave nothing but praise for the move to fire Jeremy for his overwhelming ugliness. Jessica Parker, a freshman Barton, said “I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the guy. I mean, its not much to ask. All I want is to only see attractive men near where I live. That way I have a reason to bake cookies, and the guy I am flirting with can’t leave his post or he’ll be fired.”