In response to a surge in New York City COVID-19 cases, The King’s College instituted new policies and procedures in order to stop the spread of Covid-19. Early Monday morning, The Administration issued the following introduction to their new guidelines: “Though there are almost no new cases in New York City and there have been no cases confirmed in the King’s community, we have decided that it would be foolish to relinquish power gained during a time of crisis.”

Some highlights of the new list of procedures include:

• Student Services is now under strict instructions to break up any conversation with any hints of laughter or those between people of different sexes.

• Professors must keep the lights off in classrooms so COVID can’t find new victims.

• Students must shout “Unclean” and ring newly installed “leper” bells when entering a new room or hallway in order to minimize cross-contact with other humans (suggested by Dr. Johnson).

• Students living in on-campus housing must now wear masks while sleeping. 

• Any student who tests positive for COVID-19 must pay a $1000 “common decency” fee which will be added to their semester bill in order to compensate the Student Development staff for their hardship during this time.

When questioned about these decisions, a spokeswoman for the college stated “out of an abundance of abundant caution, we made these hard decisions for the sake of the college. We are willing to sacrifice anything in the pursuit of our goal of staying open, and we mean anything. It is times like these that the administration is reminded of President Gibson’s favorite Napoleon quote: ‘I am a monarch of God’s creation, and you reptiles of the earth dare not oppose me. I render an account of my government to none save God and Jesus Christ.’”

Student Development asks that students, staff, and faculty review the full list of thirty-seven new rules before coming to campus on Monday.